A look from a different perspective.

Here I am, at my parents house. It’s currently 3:06 in the morning as I write this entry and my mind is somewhat cloudy. Boozin and karaoking with friends, some old and some new, what a blast. I can’t go to sleep because there’s something totally bothering me; where I am at in my life. You know how some people when they hit the big three o they reflect on their current standing and gripe about all the goals they have yet to reach?

I’m like that, except I’m 21.

The reason wy I am reflecting isn’t because I just turned 21, no that was a few months ago and couldn’t have mattered less, but it is the fact that I’m seeing all of these people around me who are achieving something significant in their lives. A girl I vaguely knew from high school has become a very popular musician in asia, another guy from high school has been recognized as an actor, a guy from college (who to my surprise is the best ssbm player in the world) is on a reality show. These guys despite being young has already achieved alot of things in life and I have yet to amount to much. I know some of you would say “look on the brighter side of things, you’re better off than some” or “you’re still young” or perhaps even “it doesn’t happen to many” but to me, that’s unforgivable. It’s extreme dissappointment in myself. This feeling has brewed since the age of 18, but hasn’t been evoked until now. What happened to my big dreams? What happened to the goals I set in highschool before I went into the world? I was going to be somebody and do big things to change the world. No, I was setting myself a deadline that was completely forgotten. If i had achieved my goals as I intended back then, I would be a reknowned artist, drawing stories they wanted and inspiring young and old readers alike.

But no, I’m a single, mediocre artist who doesn’t know what the hell he wants anymore. My drawing style doesn’t get accepted and i hate the crap they force us to dole out. So bland, so normal, so uninspiring. I don’t think I can take this system much longer. I don’t want to be just another product of narrow minded thinking. I want more, so much more out of my time here. Maybe that’s my problem. My dreams were never really conventional to begin with so probably the default method of achieving my goals won’t work. I don’t want to work for an illustration company or do story boarding, or even go to fucking lakeshore, I just want to work on something that will launch me towards my goal, which I have no idea since I’ve been beaten senselessly to think realistically. I need to get my act together, and I have a feeling college won’t be in the equation for much longer…

I guess this is what you would call being “jaded”.

A year’s gone by, well just about.

Greetings and salutations. It’s been almost a year since I’ve written anything on this log. Truth be told, I forgot about it until that Lewis Black show, the root of all evil (I think), was debating whether web logging (or “blogging” as we know it) or Mixed Martial Arts was evil. MMA won and that’s all I can remember about that show.

It’s strange, over the past year, there hasn’t been any truly significant events in my life, but then again, 21 years have flown by and not much has happened.

In the duration of the year I’ve: realized that school is tedious and degrees are becoming meaningless, found an great place to work at, fully realized how tied to money we all are and nothing’s gonna change that unless you’re willing to sacrifice everything, started training in Krav Maga, found new friends while losing all contacts with old ones (save one or two), and understood that life in general isn’t all that bad.

On a car ride home I can’t recall when, I remember T.C. talking about how if you look back in life and looked at in the broader schemes of things, you’ll realize that God plays a big role and will guide you to where you are now. Safe, alive, and still you. I’m not a big God believing man myself, but I can see what she meant. The day to day things are rather trivial until they start linking up. I imagine it as a step a day to conquer and to look forward. One day when you look back, you’ll see how far you’ve gone even if you haven’t actually moved.

For now, my dreams will remain big and I’ll see how far that’ll get me. Hopefully, your will remain big as well.

-Steven T.

Restlessness

Recently I’ve become very restless. Reflecting on the events that i have encountered, i’ve grown a new aspect on life. Live in the now, why spend my life couped sitting at a desk. But you see, although I feel this to my core, my dreams will not allow me to recklessly pursue spontanteous desires. That is why I miust strike a balance where life is not just on the drawing board, but the dynamics of living. I am filled with eager and joy while i am active but i also feel accomplishment and satisfaction when rendering what is on my mind. Although both are different in nature, they are nearly one in the same. I only pray that by compromising both, I will have enough time to lay the foundations of my dreams. For that, I hope that the world will not crumble by then.

Although not absolutely irrelevant, I believe that the future now belongs to us, our generation and the generations to come. It has been proven that old way of thinking has become corrupt with power and money and has failed to do what it is supposed to do. Don’t wait on the world to change, make a difference. We can no longer continue with the old mentality so we must come up with new alternative and bold ways to shape our future. Have courage to take matters into your own hand, live life the way it’s supposed to be, and most importantly let’s create a better future for all everyone.

-Regards to your well being

The nameless voice inside us all.